Dear Charvi
I can't do this anymore. I can't be this broken forever. I can't keep tearing up during random conversations. I can't stay this inhibited, so constrained within myself that it feels suffocating. It hurts. And it hurts those around me. It has manifested itself in every bit of my life, always unsure, always awkward, always the freak. It lives in my bones now. It eats on my insides, the reports evidence it.
It is ridiculous. Having nothing pleasant to look back at. It is not fair. Not what happened to me. Not what happened to them. I know they are more broken than me. Irreparably so. And yet I can't stop blaming them. And I am scared of living like this. With a bag of half explained emotions, with a collection of some distorted memories.
I can't keep holding myself up on the crutches of half baked aspirations. Consoling myself sometimes. Latching on to the idea of someone. Only to collapse again. Only to rebuild again. Each time a little bit weaker, a little bit shaky.
I know it wasn't probably a big deal. Things happen. Everyone has their sob stories. Everyone tries.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It is okay. You learn to move on. Maybe someday you will find it in yourself to forget and forgive. Maybe someday you will smile and mean it. Maybe someday you will make up for the time that you lost. Maybe you didn't lose anything at all. Maybe you're a star in the making, a legend of the future. The one with the sad and sweet back story. And maybe they are okay. They just don't know it. This heaviness is a matter of habit perhaps. And you are doing fine. Maybe if you stopped silently hoping for developing dissociative fugue, you will find that one thing that matters. That one thing that makes it all worth it. You're enough. Stop running after things. It is okay if you can't do it. It is perfectly fine if you don't wanna do it. Smile more. Show them it is okay. I know it is hard but you've done it before. Be that one thing for them. You know that helps. It helps to help. It's fine. You don't have to know how to fix everything, including yourself. Don't be scared to break. Don't wait to run away. You're okay. You're now. Even if they're stuck in mouldy waters, you don't have to drown with them. Float and take them with you. Freaks are the ones that standout the most. Freaks change the world. You're great.
I can't do this anymore. I can't be this broken forever. I can't keep tearing up during random conversations. I can't stay this inhibited, so constrained within myself that it feels suffocating. It hurts. And it hurts those around me. It has manifested itself in every bit of my life, always unsure, always awkward, always the freak. It lives in my bones now. It eats on my insides, the reports evidence it.
It is ridiculous. Having nothing pleasant to look back at. It is not fair. Not what happened to me. Not what happened to them. I know they are more broken than me. Irreparably so. And yet I can't stop blaming them. And I am scared of living like this. With a bag of half explained emotions, with a collection of some distorted memories.
I can't keep holding myself up on the crutches of half baked aspirations. Consoling myself sometimes. Latching on to the idea of someone. Only to collapse again. Only to rebuild again. Each time a little bit weaker, a little bit shaky.
I know it wasn't probably a big deal. Things happen. Everyone has their sob stories. Everyone tries.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It is okay. You learn to move on. Maybe someday you will find it in yourself to forget and forgive. Maybe someday you will smile and mean it. Maybe someday you will make up for the time that you lost. Maybe you didn't lose anything at all. Maybe you're a star in the making, a legend of the future. The one with the sad and sweet back story. And maybe they are okay. They just don't know it. This heaviness is a matter of habit perhaps. And you are doing fine. Maybe if you stopped silently hoping for developing dissociative fugue, you will find that one thing that matters. That one thing that makes it all worth it. You're enough. Stop running after things. It is okay if you can't do it. It is perfectly fine if you don't wanna do it. Smile more. Show them it is okay. I know it is hard but you've done it before. Be that one thing for them. You know that helps. It helps to help. It's fine. You don't have to know how to fix everything, including yourself. Don't be scared to break. Don't wait to run away. You're okay. You're now. Even if they're stuck in mouldy waters, you don't have to drown with them. Float and take them with you. Freaks are the ones that standout the most. Freaks change the world. You're great.
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